The Idiot has been gone almost all weekend. When she came back today, she snuck in the apartment. Opening/closing the door quietly. Muffling the jingle of her keys. Tiptoeing behind her own roommate as the Idiot climbed the stairs.
French Toast…
Crunch!
IT’S BACK!!!
This was my childhood. My grandma introduced me to French Toast Crunch. At first, I only ate it because they’re mini toast shaped.
And then I discovered I actually liked it. It’s delicious! Not too cinnamony like Cinnamon Toast Crunch (which is delicious in it’s own way) and not too sweet either. I love it.
Then, poof! It was gone! I was so sad.
Imagine my excitement when I found out it was back! Yipeeee!
Anyways, I ate my first bowl of it today, and I almost started crying. No, I’m not that emotional to cry over cereal. My grandma that introduced me to French Toast Crunch passed away about 1 1/2 years ago. This just really reminded me of her. Cereal and creme brulee. And cookie presses. And flax seed. And oatmeal. And bananas and yams. I miss her. I wasn’t extremely close to her, but I still miss her.
Well shucks, now I’m tearing up. I didn’t cry earlier because The Idiot walked in and I had a dreadful conversation with her. I need to work on my comebacks. I cannot think of good comebacks in a timely manner. Like I came up with great things to say to her after she left. Why?! Then what am I supposed to do with this brilliant thought? Run after her and say it? Yeah, like that’s going to help my case. This really bothers me. I feel stupid during conversations because I don’t know what else to say.
And now I’m frustrated and sad at the same time. Not a good combo. But at least I’m looking forward to breakfast tomorrow because I can have French Toast Crunch!
P.S. I love cereal. Like all kinds of cereal. Like I could probably eat cereal for every meal (as long as I can rotate cereals). Well, maybe not… I get bored of the same thing over and over again. But in general, I love cereal.
Dad’s New Phone
My dad’s current phone is a Windows phone. It’s also the display model, so it’s screen is bit messed up.
Three months later, he tells me he just bought a new phone off eBay. This time, it’s an Android. He was complaining that Windows didn’t have as many apps, so he needed an Android (because he hates Apple). But, it’s another display model.
Hehe, I’m kinda excited to see if this screen is also messed up or if there’s something wrong with it. I love my dad. He’s so funny.
Quick Update
I know, I know… I’ve been away for a while. Not much time to write everything, so here’s a few things going on with my life.
- I’m officially moving out of this apartment by August 1st. Whoooohoooo! Earlier if I can find some sucker to take my spot. But probably not because I actually pay a ridiculous amount of money for my room and I would feel too bad making someone suffer through living with The Idiot.
- The Idiot is completely brainwashed and is a devout follower of the Amway cult. She’s currently in Las Vegas for their leadership conference or something. Anyways, we still don’t get along, but it’s brought the rest of my apartment closer since we love to make fun of her.
- I have approximately no time to do anything nowadays. Between work, super hard classes at school, sleep, my boyfriend, and a mini social life, I don’t really have much time for other fun stuff, like cooking, painting, or craft projects.
- I found a loving home for my pet bunny. With me moving out this summer and not knowing where I’m living, I needed to find a permanent, loving home for her. She’s now with a family with two kids, and she’s loving it.
That’s it for now. As always, I’m going to try to post more often. Except I have evil professors this quarter so that may not happen.
Pyramid Scheme
Surprise! The Idiot was… well… being an idiot and has fallen for a pyramid scheme multi-level marketing strategy, Amway.
I figured this out a couple weeks ago, being too sick to go to class, work, or study, but obviously well enough to do a lot of Google searches. I needed to know where the heck The Idiot was going for her night “business meetings” or what her plan for the future was. And I did find out. I was sure it was Amway, but I had no proof that it was particularly Amway.
She started going to check the mail (which she normally doesn’t), and she started getting packages. With “Amway” clearly printed on her packages. The puzzle pieces fell together, and I had my proof.
The Idiot has definitely been brainwashed into this scheme. She really believes that if she works for 5 years, she’ll have enough money to retire at the ripe old age of 27. Yeah, like that’s going to happen.
Any doubt in my mind that she was intelligent and actually going to succeed in life has evaporated. She is the most stupid, mentally disturbed person I have ever met. Not only is she stupid and an idiot, she also has some other interesting things going on with her. She really needs help from a psychologist, because she twists things in her mind and may be a compulsive liar. The strange thing is that she actually wanted to study psychology. Then of course, she switched to business to have better options after school and to make money.
And the worst part of this madness? She hasn’t told anyone.
I’m sure she hasn’t told her parents, as I can clearly hear her phone conversations. She tells them she has a “plan” and will tell them later. She surely hasn’t told me, but she hasn’t told the other roommates either. We all have figured it out by now. We each had suspicions and ideas, but we finally got together to discuss it bash pyramid schemes and The Idiot. The Idiot wasn’t there of course.
On top of that, she’s trying to scam her friends into it! And considering how she’s started to be friendly towards me last week, I’m probably on her list of people to “interview.”
This is hilarious. And now, since it’s confirmed that she is a complete and total idiot with no ethics, common sense, or a brain, I feel no pity towards her, and I plan to make this as entertaining as possible. I know she will fail, but I don’t want her to fail now. I want her to fail later. When she’s too deep in this. When she’s wasted too much time, money, and energy. When she’s alienated all her friends, and maybe even family. I want to prolong this as long as possible. I want her to fall off the imaginary pedestal she stands on that she’s better than all of us. I want her to fail, and I want her to fail hard. I want her to be destroyed.
I’m going to mess with her, and I’m going to enjoy every second of it.
Surprises In the Toaster Oven
Lately, interesting things have appeared in the toaster oven. Granted, they’re edible but still, it’s kinda weird.
A few days ago, the Idiot used the toaster oven to defrost her chicken. She puts the chicken in and turns on the toaster oven, setting it for 30 min. She then leaves to go get lunch, and when she comes back hours later, I’m pretty sure the chicken had to be partially cooked. But then that’s kinda sketchy considering it’s now room temperature or warmer than room temperature and sitting outside for hours. She actually cooked the chicken and ate it for dinner.
Then maybe two days ago, I found an egg yolk at the bottom of the toaster oven on the removable rack. You know, the one you can take out to clean. The yolk had been broken, but it was obviously uncooked. It was just sitting there. So I left it and didn’t think anything of it.
Today, I found another yolk at the bottom of the toaster oven, in addition to the other yolk. By now, someone had used the toaster oven and the other yolk had been burnt. But this new yolk was still intact; it jiggled when I shook the tray. I really needed to use the toaster oven, so I took the tray out and dumped it in the trash. The burnt one came off easily. The new yolk, well, it started to slide off, but then flipped over and yolk came gushing out. Turns out part of it was cooked and stuck to the tray. It was gross and smelled bad, kinda like fish food.
I’m pretty sure I know who did it too.
Balance
I’m failing one of my major classes. And I really mean failing. Not Asian failing. I mean really failing. I got 38/100 on my midterm. That’s about under TWO standard deviations below the mean. It’s THAT bad.
I need a C- to pass this class. If I don’t pass, I don’t continue to the next class in the series. If I don’t continue, I either stay another year, or change my major and possibly still stay another year.
This makes me sad and disappointed with myself. I knew how to do the problems. But I got caught up in the details which took up too much precious time. I didn’t finish, and what I was able to show obviously didn’t demonstrate my knowledge.
I’m scared, but I’m not as scared as I should be. I should be freaking out, rearranging my entire schedule to solely focus on classes until finals. I should be giving up any social life I have. I should be devoting my entire existence to passing this class. But I’m not.
Because right now, I’m trying to figure out what is more important: my health or my education.
I’m trying to spend time relaxing, taking care of my body. I want to not experience pain due to stress and anxiety. I want to be able to acknowledge my emotions. I want to be mentally mature. I want to be able to handle myself. I’m seeing a therapist. I’m trying to implement the techniques he’s suggested.
But I’m not trying hard enough. I can’t wake up in the mornings, and I’ve been using that as an excuse for not being able to do certain things suggested by my therapist. And now, what am I supposed to do? Spend my precious time healing myself or spend it on learning material for classes?
Actually, if I can relax and heal emotionally, I’ll be able to focus better, and therefore my grades would improve. I wouldn’t be tired all the time. I would be able to do things.
I’m searching for that balance between everything that’s going on. I know I’m not the only one in this world with this problem. But how do I prioritize? Like one of the things my therapist wants me to do is walk/jog/run. He wants me to get out and just check out of the school mindset for a bit. My biggest problem is that when I’m walking (I’m completely out of shape so no jogging for me or else my knees hurt like I’m 80 years old), all I can think about is what I could be getting done if I wasn’t walking. That makes me even more anxious and stressed out, and I feel guilty for not putting school first. But at the same time, I know it’s good for me to get exercise, but it doesn’t feel good emotionally or physically.
I know, I have a lot of problems.
Also, when the heck am I supposed to walk? I can’t do it during the day because I’m either in class or at work. And if I do it at night, I get scared because it’s dark outside. I really don’t feel comfortable walking alone at night, yet I don’t want to go with people because I want it to be a me time. Also, who am I supposed to go with? Everyone I know is also in college, and therefore, is also stressed about school and doesn’t have time to exercise.
Ugh, I just want to know what to do. Because either way, I feel like I can’t win. If I focus on relaxing and destressing, I probably won’t pass, and therefore would be stressing myself even more because I’ll have to stay in school longer and figure out how to pay tuition and living expenses. But if I focus on school and am able to pass all my classes this quarter, I’ll still be anxious, stressed, depressed, and overall miserable, and it will repeat again next quarter. Except my classes will get harder, and everything gets worse.
I don’t want to be an adult. Just let me go back to kindergarten.
Depressed
I can’t feel anything. I mean, I’m physically fine. Well, no. I’m not physically fine. My body is reacting to my emotional state.
Which, I don’t know what it is. I can’t feel any emotions. I’m just existing.
No happiness (even though I should be happy after a nice date with my boyfriend).
No anger (at the dirty apartment).
No frustration (that I can’t figure out a simple homework problem).
Nothing but guilt. Guilt because I can’t seem to feel these other feelings.
I feel guilty for not having feelings.
I can’t take this anymore. I don’t know what I feel. When I’m smiling, am I really happy? Or am I hiding happiness behind a smile? I hide everything. I can smile all the time. Not because I’m happy all the time. But that’s how I’ve been coping for 22 years of my life.
I don’t know what to do. I have been seeing a therapist, and he’s been helping me. I’m definitely doing way better than before I started seeing him. But I’m hindering my own progress. I’m not opening up. It’s been about a year since I’ve started seeing him. And he’s not the first psychologist I’ve seen. I get nowhere in these sessions. Not because I don’t want to. I don’t know how to open up. I can’t form my thoughts into words. I can’t express any feelings.
I just exist, and I no longer want to just exist. I want to be happy. Truly happy. I want to know what that feels like. I want to be able to tell people I’m mad at them. I want to get mad and not feel guilty that I’m mad. I want to be able to own up to my feelings, and not “owe” anybody anything. I want to be responsible. I want to change. I want people to get mad at me, and I can yell at them, not do anything to make them not be mad. I want to fight with someone (verbally). I want to be able to defend myself. I want to justify myself. I want to be emotional. I want to act without logic and just on pure emotion. I want to know what that feels like. To not analyze over every detail, every possible outcome, every angle.
I want to be alive.
Korean Dramas
I wasted 16 hours of my life watching a Korean drama. (Not at once!)
Yes, I’m a girl. Yes, I like to watch dramas. Yes, I’m Asian.
But one thing is for sure: I do NOT like Asian dramas.
Oh god. That was absolutely awful. The first half of the series was great! And then the strong-willed quirky heroine became all submissive and indecisive. My favorite side characters weren’t even present in the last few episodes. The ending was horrible. The Prince Charming was ridiculously cheesy towards the end, which totally contradicted with his bad-boy persona in the beginning.
And what makes it worse is its in a different language. So it’s not like I can just listen while doing something else and watch when the dialogue gets interesting.
Grrrrrr… I stayed up late to finish the series. And now I can’t sleep because I’m so mad. Seriously, it was awful. This is the third Korean drama I’ve watched. I’ll have to rank it as #2 of my watched list.
I regret ever watching. I blame being sick. I was bored out of my mind and turned to dramas.
Which, by the way, are awfully addicting to me. I can’t stop watching, and if there’s a cliffhanger, I will go crazy. Therefore, I usually wait until the series finishes before I start and then I binge watch it.
Note to self: DO NOT watch anymore Korean dramas, no matter how bored you are. They are not for you. They will only disappoint you.
My eyes are killing me. And of course, I’m beating myself up over this. I wasted so much time this weekend watching.
I just want 16 hours of my life back.
Legal
Whelp. I’m not moving out in June. *sigh*
Well, I can, but then I’d have to find someone to take over my place until the lease ends, and that’s a hassle that I’d rather not deal with.
On the other hand, after having a discussion with the apartmentmates about this, I discovered they have a skewed view of legal matters. And of course, they don’t believe me because, you know, I work in a law firm.
internallylaughing 